Nobody Told Us This Part
For siblings, being together is where they truly belong. In this blog series, James and Mark share their adoption journey and how it inspired them to open their hearts and home to two brothers, giving them the chance to grow-up, side by side as a family.
Names have been changed to protect the identities of the children and family. The family’s story has been shared with permission.
When James and Mark first brought the boys home, they thought the hardest part was behind them.
The assessments were complete, the matching process was finished, and the transition had gone well. Now they could focus on being a family. Or so they thought.
The Honeymoon Period
Like many adoptive families, the first few weeks felt positive. The boys were settling into their new surroundings, and everyone was learning about one another.
Looking back now, James and Mark realise they were experiencing what many adopters call the “honeymoon period”.
At the time, they thought they were seeing the real picture. They weren’t.
As the weeks passed and the boys began to feel safer, different behaviours started to emerge.
Love Wasn’t Enough
One of the biggest lessons they learned was that love alone couldn’t solve everything.
“Nobody can really prepare you for this part” Mark says. “We loved the boys from the start. But love wasn’t enough.”
The children had experienced loss, uncertainty and significant changes in their young lives and those experiences didn’t disappear when they moved into a loving family home.
Instead, they showed up in different ways. Sometimes through behaviour, or through communication difficulties.
Sometimes through emotional reactions that didn’t always make sense at first.
Learning a Different Kind of Parenting
James and Mark quickly realised they couldn’t parent their children in the same way they had imagined before adoption.
There wasn’t a simple instruction manual. Every child responded differently. One child found change overwhelming. The other reacted strongly to uncertainty and struggled with regulating emotions.
The more they learned, the more they realised they needed to understand how their children experienced the world.
“We had to stop asking, ‘What’s wrong with them?’ and start asking, ‘What has happened to them?'”
That shift changed everything.
Learning Through Mistakes
What helped most wasn’t getting everything right but a willing to learn when things went wrong.
Like all parents, they made mistakes. They changed routines too often and sometimes misunderstood behaviour.
At one stage they filled the house with photographs of family members, hoping it would help the boys feel welcome. Instead, it overwhelmed them.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” But when they recognised what was happening, they adapted.
And that’s what parenting became. It wasn’t about being perfect it became about learning and adjusting and trying again.
You Don’t Need a Perfect Home
One of the biggest myths James and Mark want to challenge is the idea that adopters need to be perfect.
They weren’t and their house wasn’t perfect neither. They didn’t have extensive parenting experience and certainly, didn’t have all the answers.
There were lots of difficult days. Days when they questioned themselves, and days when they felt exhausted and got things wrong.
But adoption was never about being perfect as it was about being committed.
They soon came to realise Oliver and Harry didn’t need perfect parents, they needed adults who are willing to learn, adapt and keep showing up.
Looking Ahead
The challenges were real and so was the support they got from the post adoption team.
The moment James and Mark stopped trying to carry everything on their own and started asking for help, things began to change.
And that lesson became one of the most important of their entire adoption journey.
Coming Next: Asking for Help Made Us Better Parents
“The moment we stopped thinking we had to do everything ourselves changed our family for the better”
