FAQs

We’ve collated some of our recent adoption support queries and included our answers to help others who may be having the same sort of challenges. If you have a question you need help with, please don’t hesitate to contact your Post – Adoption Support helpline.

Q: How do I help my child manage big feelings without losing my temper?

A: That’s a really common and important question –  parenting an adopted child can be incredibly rewarding but also emotionally demanding, especially when big feelings surface. First, remember that your child’s strong emotions often come from a place of fear, insecurity or past experiences rather than defiance. Your calm presence is what helps them feel safe, even when their behaviour is challenging.

Here are a few strategies that can help:

• Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath, step back if needed, and remind yourself your child isn’t giving you a hard time –  they’re having a hard time.

• Stay regulated yourself. Children “borrow” our calm. Try grounding techniques – slow breathing, counting to ten, or briefly leaving the room (if safe to do so).

• Name and validate feelings. Say things like, “I can see you’re really angry right now,” or “That was scary, wasn’t it?” This helps your child feel understood and reduces their need to escalate.

• Use connection before correction. Offer comfort or closeness first, then discuss behaviour once your child has calmed down.

• Reflect afterwards. When things are calm, think about your own triggers and what support you might need – it’s okay to seek help or training in Therapeutic Parenting or trauma-informed strategies.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You won’t get it right every time – no parent does – but every moment you repair and reconnect strengthens your child’s trust and emotional resilience.

Q: Should I tell school everything about my child’s history?

A: You don’t need to share every detail of your child’s history but it is important to tell the school enough so they can understand and support your child effectively. Sharing key information about how your child’s early experiences might affect their learning, behaviour or emotional responses helps teachers use approaches that make school feel safe and positive.

Focus on what’s relevant rather than personal or private details. For example, you might explain that your child sometimes struggles with trust, separation or emotional regulation without going into specifics about their birth family or past trauma.

It’s also helpful to tell the school that your child is adopted, so they can use appropriate language, celebrate diversity in family structures and be mindful during activities like family tree projects or “baby photo” days.

You can ask that the information you share is kept confidential and only passed to staff who need to know. Building a trusting, open relationship with the school usually leads to the best support for your child.

Q: My daughter has told her friends she is adopted and now one of them is using it against her, what should I do?

A: It’s understandable that you’re upset – both because your daughter confided something personal and because it’s now being used to hurt her. Start by reassuring your daughter that she did nothing wrong in being open about her adoption and that she can always come to you for support. Talk together about how she feels and what’s been said, and help her think through how she might respond – for example, by calmly saying that being adopted is just one part of who she is, or by walking away from unkind comments.

If the bullying is happening at school, contact her teacher  so they can address it appropriately and ensure she feels safe. You might also want to remind her friends (through their parents or the school) that personal information should never be used to hurt someone.

Most importantly, continue affirming your daughter’s identity and the love and security she has in your family. This will help her build confidence and resilience in handling others’ reactions.

Q: As part of ‘Getting to know you’ week, my daughter will be asked to draw her family, I’m worried this might be triggering for her as she only left her birth parents when she was 3, what should I do?

A: It’s completely understandable to feel concerned –  these kinds of activities can bring up complex feelings for adopted children, especially those with early memories of their birth family. The best approach is to prepare your daughter and her teacher ahead of time.

Talk to your daughter about the activity and ask how she feels about drawing her family. Let her know that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to do it – she can include whoever feels like family to her: you, her birth parents, siblings, pets, or anyone else who’s important in her life. Giving her that freedom helps her feel safe and understood.

It’s also a good idea to let her teacher know about her background and your concerns. Teachers can adjust the activity to be more inclusive, such as asking children to “draw the people who care for you” or “draw your home team.” That way, your daughter (and others in diverse families) won’t feel singled out.

Above all, reassure your daughter that all parts of her story are valid and loved – she doesn’t have to choose between the people in her life.

Q: I want the Pupil Premium money to be used to fund physical therapy for my son at school but they want to use it in a different way, what can I do?

A: Pupil Premium funding is given to schools to help close the attainment gap for disadvantaged pupils, but it’s the school’s responsibility to decide how the money is spent – not parents. However, you do have a right to ask questions and share your child’s specific needs.

Start by arranging a meeting with the headteacher or the Pupil Premium lead. Explain why you feel physical therapy would benefit your son’s learning and wellbeing and share any evidence or reports (for example, from a physiotherapist or educational psychologist) that support your case. Ask how the school’s planned use of the funding will meet his individual needs and what outcomes they’re aiming for.

If you’re not satisfied with the response, you can request to see the school’s Pupil Premium strategy (which they’re required to publish) to understand their priorities. You can also raise your concerns with the school’s governing body.

Even if the Pupil Premium isn’t used exactly as you’d like, there may be other ways for the school or local authority to support access to physical therapy so keep communication open and collaborative.

Q:My daughter has been told off at school and the teachers are using techniques that don’t align with Therapeutic Parenting, it’s really upsetting her, what can I do?

A: It’s understandable that you’re upset – consistency between home and school is really important for adopted children, especially when they’ve experienced early trauma or loss. Therapeutic Parenting approaches can help children feel safe and connected, so it makes sense that your daughter is struggling when different methods are used at school.

Start by arranging a meeting with her teacher or the school’s SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator). Explain how certain disciplinary approaches affect your daughter and share information about Therapeutic Parenting – perhaps with examples of strategies that work well at home. It can help to bring any supporting documents from your post-adoption support team, Social Worker or Educational Psychologist.

Ask if the school can make reasonable adjustments to their behaviour policy for your daughter – many schools are open to this once they understand why it’s needed. You could also suggest staff training or resources on trauma-informed or attachment-aware practice which many local authorities can help arrange.

Above all, aim to build a collaborative relationship with the school. When home and school work together with empathy and consistency, it gives your daughter the best chance to feel secure, understood, and ready to learn.