Co-regulation strategies for under 5s

Co-regulation strategies for children under 5

Young children, especially those under five, are still learning how to understand and manage their emotions. They rely heavily on caregivers to help them regulate their feelings and responses to stress. Here are some co-regulation strategies specifically tailored for toddlers and preschoolers-

1. Be a safe and calm presence – At this age, children need a calm and reassuring caregiver to help them feel secure. If they’re upset, try to remain close and speak gently.  Example: If your child is having a tantrum, instead of saying, “Stop crying,” you might say, “I can see you’re feeling really upset right now. I’m here. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”
2. Use simple language to label emotions – Young children often act out because they don’t yet have the words to express their emotions. Help them by naming their feelings. If they’re frustrated because they can’t put on their shoes, say, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated. It’s hard when things don’t work the way we want, isn’t it?” Over time, they will begin to recognise and verbalise their emotions instead of expressing them through meltdowns
3. Offer comfort through touch – Many young children find physical touch calming. A gentle hug, holding their hand, or stroking their back can help them feel safe.  If your child falls and starts crying, instead of immediately saying, “You’re fine!” try, “That was a big fall! I bet that surprised you. Come here, let’s cuddle until you feel better.” This reassures them that their feelings are valid and that they are not alone in their distress.
4. Model calming strategies – Young children learn by watching you. Show them ways to calm down by doing it yourself first.  If they’re feeling overwhelmed, demonstrate deep breathing: “Let’s blow up an imaginary balloon together—deep breath in… and blow out slowly!”
5. Create a Calm-Down Corner – Having a cosy, safe space where they can relax when overwhelmed can be helpful. This space can have soft cushions, a favourite stuffed toy, or a sensory item like a fidget toy.  If they start getting upset, you can say, “Would you like to sit in your cosy corner with your teddy until you feel better?” This teaches them that it’s okay to take a break and calm down before handling big emotions.
6. Use play to teach emotional regulation – Toddlers and pre-schoolers learn best through play. Role-playing with dolls or puppets can help them understand emotions and problem-solving.  Use a teddy bear and say, “Teddy is sad because he lost his toy. What could we do to help him feel better?” This encourages empathy and helps them learn emotional regulation in a fun, low-pressure way.
7. Provide choices to reduce frustration – Giving toddlers a sense of control can prevent meltdowns. Instead of forcing them to do something, offer two choices. If they don’t want to put on their coat, instead of saying, “Put your coat on now!” say, “Would you like to wear your red coat or your blue coat today?” This makes them feel like they have some control while still accomplishing the goal.
8. Use predictable routines – Young children feel safest when they know what to expect. Having a predictable daily routine (for meals, naps, and bedtime) reduces anxiety and helps with self-regulation. If your child struggles with transitions, give them a heads-up: “In five minutes, we’re going to clean up and get ready for bed.” This prepares them mentally, reducing resistance and emotional outbursts.
9. Help them “fix” their mistakes – Instead of punishing a toddler for an outburst, gently guide them toward a solution.  If they hit a friend, instead of saying, “No hitting! Go to time out!” try, “I know you were angry, but hands are for helping, not hurting. Let’s check if your friend is okay and say sorry together.” This helps them learn empathy and problem-solving rather than just feeling ashamed.
10. End every meltdown with reconnection – Once your child has calmed down, reinforce your love and support. Even if they were defiant or upset, let them know they are safe with you.“That was really tough, but you did a great job calming down. I love you, and I’m so proud of you.” This reassures them that even when they have big emotions, they are still loved and accepted.

Final thoughts
Co-regulation is all about guiding your child through their emotions with warmth, patience, and connection. By modelling calm responses and teaching simple strategies, you are laying the foundation for their ability to self-regulate as they grow.

Read about co-regulation strategies for 5-10 year olds