Co-regulation for 5-10 year olds

As children grow, they develop a better understanding of emotions, but they still need support to manage frustration, anxiety and big feelings. At this stage, co-regulation helps them build self-regulation skills while reinforcing a strong emotional connection with their caregiver.

Here are some practical ways to help children aged 5 to 10 regulate their emotions:

1. Teach emotional awareness through conversation – At this age, children can start identifying and expressing their feelings with words. Help them develop emotional literacy by talking about emotions regularly. Example: If your child is upset, instead of saying “Stop being angry,” say “I see you’re feeling frustrated. Can you tell me what happened?” Encourage them to name their emotions: “Are you feeling sad, mad, or worried?” This helps them process their feelings rather than act out.

2. Validate their feelings before problem-solving – Children often need to feel understood before they can move forward. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotions.  Example: If they’re upset about losing a game, instead of saying “It’s just a game!” try: “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s hard to lose when you tried so hard. Do you want to talk about it?”  This helps them feel heard, making it easier to teach problem-solving skills afterward.

3. Model self-regulation out loud – Children learn how to manage emotions by watching their caregivers. Narrating your own calming strategies helps them understand how to regulate their feelings.  Example: If you’re feeling frustrated, say “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.” Hearing this repeatedly will encourage them to try these strategies themselves.

4. Encourage deep breathing and grounding techniques – By this age, children can learn simple breathing techniques to calm their nervous system.  Example: Teach the “5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique” when they feel anxious:

• • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

This technique shifts their focus from emotional overwhelm to the present moment.

5. Create a “Calm-Down Plan” together – Children feel more in control when they have tools to manage their emotions. Work together to create a list of “Calm-Down Strategies” they can use when they’re upset.  Example: Sit down with your child and ask “What helps you feel better when you’re really upset? Let’s make a list.” Suggestions might include:

• • Taking deep breaths
  • Going for a walk
  • Listening to music
  • Hugging a stuffed animal
  • Drawing their feelings

Having a visual chart or calm-down box with these tools available helps them feel empowered.

6. Use movement to release emotions – Physical activity is a great way for kids to process big emotions.  Example: If your child is feeling angry, say: “I can see you have a lot of energy in your body right now. Let’s run in the garden for 5 minutes or jump like a kangaroo together!” Other options:

• • Doing star jumps
  • Stretching or yoga
  • Throwing a ball back and forth
  • Running outside

This helps them regulate without suppressing their feelings.

7. Encourage problem-solving instead of rescuing – At this age, children start developing independence, but they still need guidance in solving problems. Instead of fixing things for them, coach them through the process.  Example: If they’re arguing with a friend, instead of saying “I’ll talk to them for you,” ask: “What do you think would help this situation? How can we work through this together?” This teaches them resilience and confidence in handling emotions.

8. Set clear boundaries with empathy – Co-regulation doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything. It means setting limits while offering emotional support. Example: If your child wants more screen time, instead of just saying “No, that’s enough!” try: “I know you really want more time on your game. It’s fun! But we agreed on 30 minutes. Let’s do something else together now.” This acknowledges their feelings while reinforcing structure.

9. Use storytelling to teach emotional regulation – Books and stories help children understand emotions in a safe, relatable way. Recommended books:

• • The Colour Monster by Anna Llenas (teaches about different emotions)
  • Ruby’s Worry by Tom Percival (helps kids manage anxiety)
  • When Sophie Gets Angry – Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang (teaches anger management)

After reading, discuss: “Have you ever felt like Sophie? What helped her calm down?”  This encourages reflection and emotional growth.

10. Reconnect after a meltdown – Once your child has calmed down, reinforce that they are safe and loved, no matter what.  Example: After an outburst, instead of saying “You were really bad today,” say: “That was a tough moment. But I’m proud of you for calming down. I love you no matter what.” This strengthens their emotional security and teaches them that emotions are okay, but how we handle them matters.

Final thoughts
Co-regulation in this age group is about teaching, modelling, and guiding rather than just calming them down in the moment. By consistently using these strategies, you’ll help your child develop the lifelong skill of self-regulation.