Building Connection Through DDP – A Guide for Adoptive Parents

Parenting an adopted child often comes with unique joys and challenges—especially when your child has experienced early trauma, neglect, or loss. As an adoptive parent, you may sometimes feel unsure about how best to connect with your child or help them feel truly safe and loved. This is where Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) can offer valuable guidance.

What Is DDP?

DDP is a therapeutic approach developed by psychologist Dr. Daniel Hughes. Originally designed for children with attachment difficulties, DDP helps parents and children develop secure, trusting relationships. At its core, DDP is about creating emotional safety through connection, empathy, and attunement.

The central pillars of DDP can be summed up with the acronym PACE: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy.

These principles help children feel understood and valued, even when they’re struggling. When used consistently, they can transform how you relate to your child—and how they feel about themselves.

The Four Pillars of PACE (and How to Use Them)

Playfulness

This doesn’t just mean telling jokes or playing games—it’s about keeping your tone light, warm, and inviting. Humour (when appropriate) helps reduce tension and keeps communication open. Even a gentle smile can signal safety and connection.

Eg: If your child is reluctant to get dressed, you might playfully say, “Hmm, I wonder if the pants are hiding from us today!”

Acceptance

Acceptance means unconditionally valuing your child’s inner world—even if their behaviour is difficult. It’s not about approving of misbehaviour, but about showing that their feelings are valid and they are still loved.

Try saying: “It’s okay to feel angry. I’m here, and I love you—even when you’re upset.”

Curiosity

Instead of reacting with frustration or judgment, use gentle curiosity to explore your child’s experiences and behaviour. This helps them feel seen and understood without pressure or shame.

You might ask: “I wonder if you shouted because something felt unfair to you?”

Empathy

Empathy is the heart of DDP. It’s about feeling with your child and letting them know you truly care. A quiet hug, a kind word, or simply sitting together in silence can be profoundly healing.

You can say: “That was really hard, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

Everyday DDP at Home

You don’t need to be a therapist to use DDP in your parenting. Here are a few ways to bring its principles into your daily life:

• Reconnect after conflict: After an argument, return to PACE. Say something like, “We both got upset, but I still love you, and we can work this out together.”
• Create safe routines: Predictable, nurturing routines help build a sense of stability.
• Tell your child’s story together: Share their life story in age-appropriate ways with acceptance and empathy, honouring both their past and present.
• Model emotional expression: Use PACE with yourself, too. Show that it’s okay to make mistakes and talk about feelings.

Here are more examples of how Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) principles can be applied in daily parenting moments. These help illustrate how powerful it can be for building trust and emotional safety with adopted children.

Everyday examples of DDP in Action

Your child refuses to go to school

Instead of pushing or punishing, you use Curiosity and Empathy.

You “I wonder if something at school feels a bit scary or too hard today. It’s okay to tell me—I want to understand.”

Why this works: The parent isn’t judging or assuming; they’re inviting the child into a safe space to explore what’s underneath the behaviour.

Your child lies about breaking something

It’s tempting to correct right away, but instead, you lean on Acceptance and Curiosity.

You “Hmm, I wonder if it felt too scary to tell the truth because you thought you’d get in trouble. It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes—we can work it out together.”

Why this works: This shifts the focus from punishment to emotional safety, showing your child it’s safe to be honest.

Your child acts wild or silly at bedtime

This is a great time to bring in Playfulness.

You: (playfully holding a teddy bear like a microphone) “Mr. Bear wants to know: how can one little person have SO much energy at bedtime? It’s amazing!”

Why this works: Humour defuses power struggles and helps the child regulate without shame. Laughter can lower stress hormones and build connection.

Your child has a tantrum after a minor frustration

Use Empathy and Acceptance to co-regulate.

You (calmly) “That was really upsetting. It’s hard when things don’t go the way we hoped. I’m right here.”

Why this works: Instead of escalating or correcting, the parent joins the child in the storm with calm and compassion. This teaches emotional regulation over time.

Your teen shuts down and won’t talk

Try Curiosity and Empathy, with low pressure.

You “You don’t have to talk right now, but I want you to know I’m here when you’re ready. I care about you, even when things are quiet.”

Why this works: Silence is honoured, not punished. The door stays open, which helps build trust.

Telling their story with sensitivity

Scenario: You’re talking with your child about their birth family or time in care.

You “You’ve had some hard things happen, and none of it was your fault. You were always worthy of love. And now you have a family that loves you so much. We can talk about any part of your story, anytime you want.”

Why this works: The parent balances Empathy and Acceptance while reinforcing the child’s value. DDP encourages open, shame-free conversations about the past.

A final word

Adoptive parenting often means helping a child rewrite their internal story—from one shaped by fear and rejection to one rooted in love, trust, and belonging. DDP offers a roadmap for this transformation. By staying curious, accepting, and emotionally present, you can help your child feel truly seen and safe.

And remember: you don’t have to do it perfectly. DDP isn’t about getting it right every time—it’s about returning to connection, again and again.