Your Voice Matters: Share Your Adoption Experience in Government Consultations
One of FAL’s key objectives is to increase the number of Early Permanence placements because of the significant benefits it offers to babies and children. Tom and his fiancé Laurence adopted through FAL Northamptonshire and were inspired to tell their story after seeing the significant benefits for their son and family as a whole.
We hope you feel inspired by the interview.
“I’m Tom and my fiancé is Laurence and we’d only been together for three years before we decided to adopt.
We came together in quite unusual way as we both came from very bad relationships and understood quite quickly that our relationship was really a good one. We knew we both wanted children, Laurence’s sister was expecting her second baby and we just thought that this was perfect timing as our little one would have a little cousin and they could grow up and together.
As it transpires, it’s worked perfectly, here’s an example – our little one would never drink and it worried us a lot, we had spoken to his Social Worker and his Health Visitor and they couldn’t help but one day, he watched his cousin drinking out of his bottle and all of a sudden just took his bottle and copied him and drank. This massive hurdle that we, his Social Worker and the Health Visitor couldn’t resolve was solved in one visit to his cousin’s house.
We started going through the process about two years ago now, because we’ve had him a year and the whole Early Permanence idea was an enigma. We knew we wanted a little one but we couldn’t really understand the difference between Early Permanence and Concurrency. That’s why I was eager to do this interview to help clarify the confusing world of EP and the risk it brings. The risk was a big thing in the fact that if the little one was sent back it would cause a lot of trauma for us and certainly Laurence was worried that he couldn’t go through the process again if that happened.
Laurence had been around his sister’s youngest son and we both decided that we wanted to have a young baby so that we could experience every part of being a parent.
It was solely about the risk of them going back initially and then as we learned more, it was about the contact. Mentally, the contact was very much a thing we had to prepare for.
We had a really good relationship with our Social Worker and it was really just talking about the level of risk we were prepared to take and relying on her to assess the level of risk of the child going back to their birth parent. For example, taking a child where there hadn’t been any assessments or that were ongoing would mean a much higher risk. We knew that you could then have a very young baby, straight out of hospital but that this would present a higher risk of them going back to birth family. With our little boy, the Social Worker was really straight with us and we were able to balance our mental health and the worst case scenarios and judged that it was a risk that we could manage between us.
Our Social Worker understood where we were and how the various outcomes could affect us so she assured us that she would only match us with a child with a lesser scale of risk attached to them. Our little one has multiple siblings that had already been removed so we knew that this made the chance of him going back smaller.
I think the success of our placement really came down to the relationship we had with our Social Worker. You go into so much detail about your life and it’s really important to be as open as you can because then they can find the right match for you in the right circumstances.
We had actually started the process within another agency and we just didn’t gel with our worker so for me the Social Worker we had for Northamptonshire was just perfect, especially as I’ve had a complex life, it was great to have the confidence to talk so honestly because welcoming someone into your home and talking to strangers about such personal things is very difficult.
I experienced a lot of domestic violence in my previous relationship, it was a massive part of my life and I worried that it would prevent us from adopting because that’s how your mind works. But actually it can be seen as a positive because if you’ve suffered trauma then having a child that’s also been through trauma means that you can relate.
I think the wording and explanations around Early Permanence could be simplified so that potential adopters know what it is eg “If you want to adopt a really young baby, think about Early Permanence.”
Even when we were doing the 3 day Preparation Course, we were still debating whether Early Permanence was the route we were going to take and it’s only when our Social Worker Michelle said that for you with the fact that you want a little one and the level of risk you can manage, Early Permanence is the path for you.
I also think that the training is great and comprehensive but think it would be really helpful for there to be a course on practical parenting of young babies. We were really lucky because we had a strong support network – our son had an amazing foster carer who we spent a week with during Introductions, Laurence’s sister had little ones and his Mum was a young mum herself. It still really felt like jumping into the deep end. Knowing how to deal with their trauma is great but initially it was all about keeping them alive and fed and well.
Really take part in all of the available training, it seems a lot but in hindsight we are drawing on what we learnt now and it’s much easier to fit in before you have a child.
If you want to do Early Permanence, you have to understand about the difference between adoption and fostering because for example when our son had to go to hospital because his temperature peaked, we had to call the duty social worker as we didn’t have parental responsibility. Doing all of the paperwork is also really important and using the training to remind yourself that although the baby feels like yours he’s not yours yet.
Other things that the training covers is when you book them in for anything eg at the Doctors you have to give the Social Worker’s name or if they injure themselves, making sure to record that in their book. This is ensuring that your back is covered and everyone else’s.
We were meant to have contact twice a week but as it transpired we only had one contact which was the day after he first arrived with us but then they never did contact again which was worse for us as we would prepare the night before with his book with everything that he had done and his little outfits, doing everything as you’ve been trained to do. And then it wouldn’t happen which, if he was older, could have been really quite damaging for him really. In the end, Social Services cancelled the sessions because for so many months no one turned up.
Our foster carer was again brilliant at preparing us for contact. During our week of introductions, she told us what to write in the book, took us to the family centre and introduced us to the staff there telling them when we’d be taking over and helping to make us feel even more prepared and comfortable with it.
You do read this in the theory, but I can assure you the practice of having him in our house from two months has just completely benefited him because he knows us as his daddies and although he will still have that trauma in him being with us is all that he will remember. As it transpires, we only had our Matching Panel last week so if you think if he was adopted through the traditional route, he would have essentially spent 13 months in a foster care placement and then been moved to us.
I just think it’s so beneficial for him because we’ve just had him from such an early age, he knows the house, he knows upstairs. If he had just arrived here now after taking in everything he’s already experiences, it would affect him so differently, he crawls out of here, goes upstairs to his bedroom, go to the kitchen. How different would it be if he arrived here at 13 months?
For me, if you can deal with the risk, the reward for the child and for your family network is brilliant because essentially, they’ve never known anything else.
We also have a fabulous relationship with his foster Mum and he’ll always grow up knowing her.
For a child who has already had a complex start, the Early Permanence process makes their life a lot more simple.
Firstly our foster carer. The role of the foster carer and the importance of the relationship was highlighted in the training and to be totally honest, we weren’t sure about it but actually this became not just an option but a thoroughly wanted relationship. She helps us out massively with little bits of advice or we can call her and ask her about anything we need help with for example, if he has a rash. She’s such an experienced foster carer so being able to draw on that wisdom is invaluable.
Secondly, your support network is so important. This is emphasised in training but for us it just comes into a world of its own. Before I became a parent I wouldn’t really look at people as a support network, you know neighbours and friends but having never been a father and working in London to all of a sudden having introductions with our little one and then welcoming him home, you quickly do realise how crucial your support network is and realise that it’s alright to ask for help and advice.
A few of our friends and family went on FAL’s Family and Friends training which I would say is an absolute must because they’re suddenly getting a new member of the family by a very untraditional route and it really helps them to understand the process and the things we had to do. For example, the reports we had to write or not putting any photos on Facebook. Sometimes grandparents think they know best and can just go off and do their own thing with the little one but the training really does help to re-enforce what they should do and event what they should say and not say.
Another example of this is the DBS check, it may feel strange for a friend who babysits to be DBS checked but the training helps them to realise it’s because the baby or child is still in foster care.
If your family and friends are new to adoption, they may think that getting your child should be a big celebratory thing and suggest a party, again the training tells them that this isn’t the best way and gives suggestions as to more low-key celebrations that might be more appropriate.
I think it’s great for people who would like to experience parenthood from a really early age. For us, seeing him develop from just 2 months old has been phenomenal to see and you think if he moved to us at 13 months old it would be so different for him and I don’t know how he would process that.
For me, the main myth about Early Permanence was that there was a high risk of the child going back and that essentially is not the case especially if a child has been removed from the family previously as this means that all of the avenues have been explored unless of course there is a different father.
I know that with Concurrent Planning there is a higher risk as the family hasn’t been assessed so that may be more suited for those who can manage a higher level of risk.
I think this means that clarifying the difference between Concurrency and Early Permanence is important and acknowledging whilst something could change, as all of the family and the parents have already been through full assessments, it’s very, very unlikely.
